Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The 2005 winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Continued...
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
LIFE IN REVERSE
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, Start out
dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling
better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect
your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
day. You work 40 years at increasingly easier jobs until you're young
enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're
generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you
become a baby, then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with
luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters
everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.=============
dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling
better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect
your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
day. You work 40 years at increasingly easier jobs until you're young
enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're
generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you
become a baby, then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with
luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters
everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.=============
Monday, August 07, 2006
The Missing Dollar
Three guys get a motel room together. It's cost $30 so they each give the lady at the front desk $10. Later she realizes she overcharged, the room should have only been $25 so she sends the bellboy up with five one's to return to the men. On his way he realizes he can't evenly divide the change so he only gives each man $1 back and pockets the other $2 as a tip.
The question is if each man now only payed $9 for the room and the bellboy pocketed $2, where did the other dollar go?
The question is if each man now only payed $9 for the room and the bellboy pocketed $2, where did the other dollar go?
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Vocabulary Spin
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Vocabulary%20spin.doc
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Vocabulary%20spin.doc
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
"The Rules" from the male side
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
You don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
You don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Ponderables
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. When a cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
8. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
9. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
10. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
12. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. When a cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
8. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
9. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
10. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
12. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Monday, May 01, 2006
Chocolate Math
To all my chocolate loving friends!! This is neat!
Don't tell your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway - but the Hershey Man will know!
YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....
If you haven't, add 1755.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are .
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
Don't tell your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway - but the Hershey Man will know!
YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....
If you haven't, add 1755.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are .
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Eye Exam
Quick Eye Exam...
This will blow your mind...!
Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!
Try this its actually quite good.
But don't cheat!
Count the number of F's in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
Managed it?
Scroll down only after you have counted them!
OK?
How many?
Three?
Wrong, there are six - no joke!
Read again!
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
The reasoning is further down...
The brain most likely wasn't able to process the "F" in "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius; three is normal.
This will blow your mind...!
Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!
Try this its actually quite good.
But don't cheat!
Count the number of F's in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
Managed it?
Scroll down only after you have counted them!
OK?
How many?
Three?
Wrong, there are six - no joke!
Read again!
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
The reasoning is further down...
The brain most likely wasn't able to process the "F" in "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius; three is normal.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Good Reading
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny
55 preecnt of plepoe can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig
to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the
ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and
lsat
ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
sitll
raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and
I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Olny
55 preecnt of plepoe can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig
to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the
ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and
lsat
ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
sitll
raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and
I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
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