Surrealweb

I wish I could do this...

2008-03-24T12:39:00.000-07:00

This guy is amazing. Talk about a photographic memory.

Daffy Parachute Jump

2007-01-24T14:34:00.000-08:00

See if you can get 10 for 10. It's Pretty tricky. Make sure to check the flag for wind speed and direction.

One Bad Texas Rabbit

2007-01-24T14:14:00.000-08:00

Check out the cotton balls on this crazy rabbit.rabbitvssnake.wmv

Your Birthday Song.

2007-01-24T14:10:00.000-08:00

What song was #1 on the day you were born. Click here to find out.

Smack the Penguin

2007-01-24T13:56:00.000-08:00

> > So, how far can you smack the penguin?
> >
> > Click to make the penguin jump and then click again, in time to
> >
> > make the polar bear swing the bat to hit the penguin across the ice!
> >
> > WARNING: Very addictive ! ! !

The Mensa Invitational

2006-08-31T11:24:00.000-07:00

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The 2005 winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Continued...

LIFE IN REVERSE

2006-08-15T12:46:00.000-07:00

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, Start out
dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling
better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect
your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
day. You work 40 years at increasingly easier jobs until you're young
enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're
generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you
become a baby, then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with
luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters
everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.=============

The Missing Dollar

2006-08-07T13:46:00.000-07:00

Three guys get a motel room together. It's cost $30 so they each give the lady at the front desk $10. Later she realizes she overcharged, the room should have only been $25 so she sends the bellboy up with five one's to return to the men. On his way he realizes he can't evenly divide the change so he only gives each man $1 back and pockets the other $2 as a tip.

The question is if each man now only payed $9 for the room and the bellboy pocketed $2, where did the other dollar go?

Vocabulary Spin

2006-08-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Vocabulary%20spin.doc

Go Get 'Em Guys

2006-06-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

Check out what some of our boys overseas did to their helicopter.
Some Afghan is probably freaking out right about now.
The story is: this very special Mi-24 helicopter is presently flying in Afghanistan, where it is no doubt causing quite a stir. God Bless the U.S.A.

The Great Flydini

2006-05-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

Steve Martin in his hey day (thanks to Adrian)

"The Rules" from the male side

2006-05-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
You don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Ponderables

2006-05-18T11:14:00.000-07:00

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. When a cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

8. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

9. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

10. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

12. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Chocolate Math

2006-05-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

To all my chocolate loving friends!! This is neat!

Don't tell your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway - but the Hershey Man will know!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....
If you haven't, add 1755.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are .

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

Eye Exam

2006-04-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!

OK?

How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six - no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

The reasoning is further down...

The brain most likely wasn't able to process the "F" in "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius; three is normal.

Life Cycle

2006-04-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

Here is a great use of an animated gif.life_cycle.gif

Good Reading

2006-04-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny
55 preecnt of plepoe can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig
to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the
ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and
lsat
ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
sitll
raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and
I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Blonde's Math Test Answer

2005-12-08T11:19:00.000-08:00

Math Magic

2005-12-07T17:27:00.000-08:00

Try this one!

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2 Do you recognize the answer?

The Wok Show

2005-12-07T09:46:00.000-08:00

Learn how to make delicious Vietnamese cuisine. (Thanks to James)

RedKauai.com

2005-11-09T09:57:00.000-08:00

Pictues of my trip to Kauai.

Why I fired My Secretary

2005-11-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

I didn't want to do it... but I had to.
WHY%20I%20FIRED%20MY%20SECRETARY.doc

Life's Unanswerable Questions

2005-11-09T09:42:00.000-08:00

You know those pestering questions in life that no one seems to have the answer to... well here's a list.
Life%27s%20Unanswerable%20Questions.doc

Dear Abby

2005-11-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Abby always has the best advise.Dear%20Abby.doc

Chinese Horoscope

2005-09-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

Here's another one of those crazy math things.
Chinese%20Horoscope.doc

Life Drawing Using Flash

2005-09-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

If anyone ever questioned how computers have changed the way we look at art, this should clear it up. It's amazing!

Cat Dancing

2005-09-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

Here's someone who had a little too much time on his hands. Make sure the volume's up.
kitty_cat_dance.wmv

Another Rooney-ism

2005-06-05T23:45:00.000-07:00

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most

of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of

the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't

care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she

doesn't sit around whining about it. She does

something she wants to do. And, it's usually something

more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be

assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and

from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a hoot

what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a

screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle

of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve

it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think

they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often

undeserved. They know what it's like to be

unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce

you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man

will often ignore even her best friend because she

doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30

couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends

because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to

confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always

know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red

lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is

far sexier than her younger counterparts,

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell

you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like

one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand

with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of

reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every

stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there

is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool

of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you

can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire

Pig, just to get a little sausage.

Amen to that!!

Doo-Wop Horses

2005-06-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

Wait for the entire screen to load up with all four
>> horses and a fence in front of them. Then click on
>> each horse.
>> Make sure your sound is on. Re-click on any horse to
>> make it turn off or turn it back on again .
>> Somebody did some real wizardry of programming to
>> coordinate this!
>> Try clicking on the horses from left to right then
>> right to left then just one or two at a time...
>> It's fun and a good stress reliever.
>> Have fun! (Thanks to Ginny)

Piano Juggler

2004-12-03T13:19:00.000-08:00

This guy is pretty amazing. juggler.wmv

DUI Stop

2004-11-18T21:02:00.000-08:00

1 – 2 – 3 cha cha cha...... this is funny (Thanks to Steve)
DUIStop.wmv

The Amazing Bounce Dryer Sheet

2004-11-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

And all this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!

> > > It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also
repels mice.. spread them around foundation areas, or in trailers or
cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.

> > > It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get
opened too often.
View_entire_list.doc

The Red States and The Blue States

2004-11-11T17:53:00.000-08:00

Now this I understand.

Queen Exposed To More Than She Expected

2004-11-10T19:23:00.000-08:00

Having one's picture taken sitting next to the Queen is usually no sniggering matter.

Particularly when it's an official photograph of the battalion in full uniform
and Her Majesty is there in her role as commander of the armed forces.

But Colonel Simon West didn't appear to be taking the occasion too seriously yesterday.

In his cap, jacket and spats, his hands on his knees and his ankles crossed,
he sat proudly in the front row of the 1st Battalion of the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders,
next to the Queen.

But unlike his comrades, he hadn't taken the time to adjust his sporran and kilt for decency.

And judging by the grin on his face, the colonel knew exactly what he was doing.

queen_kilt.jpg

Jumper

2004-11-10T19:06:00.000-08:00

A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If
you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of
the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him
with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the
faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this
is real.

http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg

Florida's New Voting Machines

2004-11-06T13:07:00.000-08:00

Now I understand how Bush won Florida so easily this time.Voting_Machine.wmv

Interesting Useless Facts

2004-11-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
View entire list

Red Sox Nike Commercial

2004-10-30T07:01:00.000-07:00

This is a great commercial, sort of like an animated Norman Rockwell painting. Here is the commercial.

Bush Flips the Bird

2004-10-28T06:30:00.000-07:00

I like a president with a good sense of humor.

Beam Me Up Scotty: Shatner Wants to Fly In Space For Real

2004-10-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

Space cadet William Shatner has signed up to fly on Virgin Galactic's virgin flight in 2008. (Thanks to Yahoo!)

Life

2004-10-18T19:45:00.000-07:00

You love someone.
You work hard.
You hope that you keep your health.
And in the end,
you hope you have someone who loves you too.

Why Men Are just Happier People

2004-10-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name
stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of
themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president.
You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water
park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell
you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to
another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You
don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000.
Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking
to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood - all the
time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff
about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can
still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs
of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your
face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do"
your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning
growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Intel Pulls Plug on 4-Gigahertz Chip

2004-10-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

There is a limit after all! The new "dual core" chip does sound cool though. (Thanks to USA Today)

Bush vs Bush

2004-10-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

Navigate through the video clips until you see Bush vs Bush. You won't be disappointed. (Thanks to Emily)

Furniture Sex

2004-10-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

This is hilarious! (and well done). Must have Macromedia Flash player to view (download it... it's free)

The Challenge

2004-10-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

Gotta love those Australian girls.beer.wmv

Asteroid Comes Within a Million Miles of Earth

2004-09-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

An asteroid named for a Celtic god of war will come as close to Earth this week as it has since 1353.

The space rock known as Toutatis will come on Wednesday within 960,000 miles of Earth, relatively close by cosmic standards, Astronomy Magazine said in an e-mailed statement on Monday.

Toutatis poses no danger to Earth. However, if it did hit our planet, it would create a blast with the energy equivalent to 1 million ton of TNT.

Measuring about 3 miles by 1.5 miles, Toutatis will speed by Earth at 22,000 miles per hour.

This asteroid makes a roughly four-year trip around the sun that swings from just inside Earth's orbit to outside the orbit of Mars. Because both Earth and Toutatis are in continual motion, the distance between them at closest approach every four years varies greatly.

Christmas Cheer

2004-09-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

Here's a great card to send to friends for the holidays.

Cool Honda Commercial

2004-09-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

This commercial was all done in one take (no cuts or edits). However it did take a couple of hundred takes to get it right. All the parts used were from two brand new dismantled Hondas. Check it out (with sound if you got it).

Christina Stripped

2004-09-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

Check out this Kodak ad (obviously not from this country)

Bush vs. Kerry

2004-09-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

The animation in this is awesome! It takes a couple of seconds, but totally worth the wait.
Way better if you have audio! (Thanks to JibJab)

Create Your Own Font

2004-09-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

It's amazing... Fontifier will get back to you in seconds once you send them your scanned file. Try it!

Falling Teddy Bears

2004-09-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

Don't worry; no Teddy Bears were injured in the making of this...

Once the page has downloaded, move your mouse over the bears.
Watch them, it's mindless, but cute.

Secret Worlds: The Universe Within

2004-09-22T18:42:00.000-07:00

This really puts things into perspective. Fascinating and beautiful.
(Thanks to Emily)

Alzheimer's Test

2004-09-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

Count the "F's" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT
OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED
WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEAR

How many F's are there? Did you guess right?

The reasoning behind it?

Wok Charred Mahi Mahi, from Kauai

2004-09-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

A delicacy on the island of Kauai
The sauce for the wok charred mahi mahi... It's a lime ginger
beurre blanc. The components are: butter, heavy cream, red ginger
and lemon juice (I have no idea where the lime works into this formula...
I think just in the name!) I suppose you could adapt the recipe and add
lime juice but this could bitter the flavor a bit much. I did see the chef
at A Pacific Cafe use kefir lime leaf occassionally. Perhaps this works
into the recipe that I'm not aware of.

A Message From George Carlin (His wife died recently)

2004-09-15T19:00:00.000-07:00

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
Read the whole message

Mr. Griver

2004-09-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

I called my local video store the other day to reserve a movie.

"Do you have the new Sean Penn movie Mystic River?" I asked.

The woman at the store said she had never heard of it.

"Are you sure it stars Sean Penn? she asked.

"Yes" so I spelled it, "M-Y-S-T-I-C R-I-V-E-R?"

"Oh Mystic River!!! I thought you were saying Mr. Griver."

"I WAS saying Mystic River!"

"Oh sure, we have that."

Where is Chechnya anyway?

2004-09-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

Deadlock: Russia's Forgotten War

In the breakaway Russian republic of Chechnya, Russia says it is fighting against terrorism. Chechen rebels say they are fighting for independence. The outcome seems to be ongoing misery for the war-ravaged region -- a cycle of violence where brutality seems to have no limit, and surrender is not an option. (Thanks to CNN)

For those of you having trouble finding it on a map, this may help.

Anza Borrego

2004-09-05T17:36:00.000-07:00

Anza Borrego Desert bloom - April 2004
"With over 600,000 acres, Anza-Borrego Desert State Park is the largest state park in the contiguous United States. 500 miles of dirt roads, 12 wilderness areas and miles of hiking trails provide visitors with an unparalleled opportunity to experience the wonders of the Colorado Desert."

2003 Darwin Awards

2004-09-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

The 2003 Darwin Award Winner:

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a
holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions..................................
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine
and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance
company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a
look for himself. He tried the machine and lost his finger. The chef's claim was
approved.
******************************
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her.
*****************************
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harareto beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception
wasn't discovered for 3 days.
******************************
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
******************************
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill
on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
******************************
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying
a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is
still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall
engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
****************************
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole
event was caught on videotape.
******************************
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to
give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the
store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive
ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from."
******************************
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 am flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk
turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without
a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
******************************
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline
from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained
for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to
a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the
best laugh he'd ever had.

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2004-09-04T17:30:00.000-07:00

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